Give Him Hell, Peeves
by LadyFateContemplatingDisaster
Summary: "Give him hell from me, Peeves," ordered George. "I don't care how you do it, but he deserves it for cheating on Hermione." These orders are what gave Peeves the incentive to lock Granger and Malfoy in a broom closet...


Peeves hummed to himself as he held the door to an otherwise innocent looking broom closet shut.

So began the new quest sent to him by his new best friend, George Weasley: torment Ronald Bilius Weasley until the end of his days for cheating on Hermione Granger.

It obviously wasn't the nobility of the cause that attracted him, but the possibility of having permission to torture a student. Good times; reminded him of when Umbridge lived at Hogwarts.

"Just what do you think you're doing?"

An evil growl sounded from inside a broom closet. From what Peeves could here, it wasn't the normal sounds he heard from a broom closet, but he had been watching those two closely for nearly half the year. The sexual tension was so obvious that soon, he knew that the sounds he normally heard from the broom closet would likely be happening soon.

"Oh, please. You're the one who got us into this situation."

The girl was clearly the more rational of the two, Peeves thought. It was no wonder that he liked the boy better.

"No, I didn't!"

"Of course you did! Do you really think that I would willingly get myself trapped in a broom closet with you of all people?"

Well, yes, Peeves thought gleefully. I read your diary, you naughty girl!

"Get over yourself. You wish that you could have me."

And you wish you could have her, he mouthed, pretending they could hear him.

"As if."

"I'm not as horrible as you pretend to think I am."

Was it just him, or did the Slytherin actually take a serious tone? He seemed to genuinely be trying to convince her of something.

"Who says that I ever think of you at all?"

"The insults would suggest it, actually."

The same goes for you, my man, Peeves cackled internally.

"I'm clever enough to come up with those on the spur of the moment."

Defensive, little Miss Perfect. This was great revenge for reporting him to Filch last week.

"Maybe, but at that moment you must've been thinking of me."

You sound far too smug, Mister Malfoy, Peeves sneered.

"Are you really so desperate for me to be thinking about you that you have to resort to clinging to the moment a day when I think about you?"

"Please. We insult each other far more than once a day. I cross your mind hundreds of moments a day."

This was true. But little ol' Peevsie knows the truth. It's just a way of saying 'hey, Mudblood, I adore you and want to shag you forever in the broom closet' or 'hey, ferret, I want you so badly to take me into the restricted section and snog me senseless'. Since he wasn't allowed in the library and liked the Malfoy boy better, Peeves had decided on the broom closet.

Much more romantic.

"You're incredibly vain."

"Thank you."

"It wasn't a compliment."

"Malfoys are raised so that everything is a compliment."

"That must get confusing."

"Nope."

"You're an idiot. Make that a compliment."

"So many people are idiots compared to you. But I happen to know that a lot of them are Ravenclaws."

If Peeves didn't know better, he would have thought that Malfoy was genuinely complimenting the girl...and he knew better. The Malfoy boy was trying to compliment the girl in as Slytherin a way as possible.

"I made it a compliment."

"Not what I meant."

"What? I was flattering myself!"

"You complimented me at the same time, you twit!"

Why was she complaining? Peeves could practically hear her flattered blush through the door!

"I did, didn't I? Hmm."

. . .

"Shall I do it again?"

The boy's voice was low, husky, and sounding an awful like the other couples that Peeves had found in broom closets. Not the ones he had put there, of course, but the ones he interrupted. Heh heh.

"Malfoy?"

Granger's voice sounded nervous, as though she wasn't really sure where this was headed.

"I think you're brilliant."

A strong start.

"I think that you're as smart and wise as a Ravenclaw, kind and loyal as a Hufflepuff, and even as cunning and infuriating as a Slytherin when you want to be. Your bravery goes without saying, and your talent does as well."

Getting a little fluffy, my friend!

"What are you saying?"

She's getting flustered...heh heh. Serves her right, reporting me to McGonagall yesterday...and Filch last week...and Dumbledore three years ago….

"You're gorgeous and smart and amazing, Hermione. I like you. A lot."

"You can't be serious."

"No, he was my cousin."

Peeves laughed-oh, that brought back memories of the good old days...the Marauders, the Twins...good people.

"Be serious, please."

"I'm as serious as a Black."

"That's a little better, I suppose, but still along the same lines."

"I really do like you, Hermione. Please, believe me."

"I...I think I do."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"All of a sudden?"

"Well...your diary mysteriously showed up on my bed this morning...so I had an inkling. It was specifically marked to the page where you were writing about how much you adored me."

". . . You're going to need to be more specific."

Peeves grinned when he heard that. Of course, he had been the one to leave the boy's diary on the girl's bed. They should learn to be more careful with their things. Kids these days.

"You're an idiot."

Damn. She was about to turn him down. He giggled when the boy sighed.

"I know."

"Ronald and I just broke up."

"I know."

"Give me three good reasons why I should date you."

Peeves turned his head back toward the door. She wasn't exactly turning the Malfoy boy down...and he seemed to have the same thought.

"One-I'm incredibly good-looking."

"Hmm...alright. I'll give you that one."

"Why thank you."

"Don't let it go to your head."

"How can it not? A beautiful girl just told me I'm good-looking. Speaking of, we'd make an incredibly good-looking couple."

"Just get on with it."

Was it just him, or did the girl sound slightly amused?

"Two-our best friends are dating. Ginny and Blaise would make a great double date."

"That's not a reason."

"You're just fishing for extra reasons."

"No, I'm not, but that one doesn't count."

"And me being good-looking did? I didn't know that you were that shallow, Hermione."

"Just use a different reason."

"Well, I'm a lot smarter than the Weasel. We could actually have a conversation where both of us are entertained intellectually."

"See, now that's a good reason."

"Thank you."

"What's the third?"

"I love you, rather a lot."

Peeves rolled his eyes. Leave it to a Malfoy to get all dramatic and wishy-washy. He had to press closer to the door to hear her response

"...I think that's a very good reason."

"I have another."

"Oh?"

"But I have to know whether or not you'll go out with me before I tell you."

Peeves could see the Granger girl thinking it over. In his own very humble opinion, she thought way too much. He wanted to get this over with already.

"I suppose that I can allow you one date."

"Just one?"

"For now."

"Very well. The fourth reason is, well, that I'm considered to be an excellent kisser."

And this was followed by some silence, then a moan, then some names and horribly gooey stuff being said. It was all really sad and pathetic, really.

"I have to get to class."

Peeves rolled his eyes. Class had started five minutes ago-but they had been kissing for a little longer than that. Teenagers.

"May I walk you?"

"Er...alright then."

The door to the broom closet swung open, revealing two rather disheveled teenagers. Granger's hair was messier than usual, and Malfoy's had lost that perfectly put together look, though he didn't seem to mind. He was smiling, for the love of Weasley! Gallantly, the boy offered his arm to a blushing Head Girl.

Malfoy winked at him as he went past, and Peeves grinned.

The fact that he had discovered a Malfoy's secret love of all things Hermione Granger was an added bonus. Now he could torment the couple, while the couple did his dirty work and tormented the Weasel.

That, and Malfoy promised him that he would pay for Filch to be fired if he helped him out….


End file.
